How to Keep Your Relationship Healthy: Keeping Romance Alive
Valentine’s Day is coming up, and so is Scott’s and my wedding anniversary. Our relationship has been my guiding star through almost 32 years of marriage. We’ve raised 7 kids, and now we’re grandparents! So now I’m looking back and asking: what keeps a relationship healthy? What keeps the romance alive?
In most relationships, keeping the romance alive is super easy in the beginning. But how do you keep it alive and thriving for 30 years, 50 years, or longer? To me, the answer is consistent goodwill toward one another.
Scott and I met when I was just 18 years old. I was heartbroken from a break-up and certainly wasn’t looking to get into another relationship, but then…there was Scott. We met at his dad’s city-wide Bible study, and he was one of the cutest boys I’d ever seen. I wasn’t ready for a relationship for quite a while for lots of reasons, but Scott was super patient. I’d hop into his truck and we’d head off for frozen yogurt or our favorite booth at Country’s BBQ. I won one of our eating contests by eating 4 whole chickens!
Even when we broke up for a few years, we stayed in touch, still had our BBQ contests, and went for the occasional country drive. Every boy I went on a date with, I’d compare to him, and of course, they all fell short.
Then one day while I was studying for law school exams, Scott showed up at my door with chocolate berries…and I knew, right then, this was the one for me.
He came back from Alaska with chocolate covered blueberries. First, he looked amazing. Second, he brought chocolate covered blueberries. Third, he noticed something… as soon as he saw the bright red lipstick on my water glass he said, “I’ve missed that.” That’s all it took. He had my heart forever.
The rest is history. Marriage, babies, more BBQ, DQ, and drives in the country. I live for these dates, and for the man of my dreams. Pain may be inevitable, but if you let it, life can be sweeter and more “filling” than you can imagine in your wildest dreams.
—from my book Love Language of the South
It wasn’t the chocolate, although that helped! It was the thoughtful gesture — his thinking about me on a long, adventurous trip and coming back with just the right gift.
About 6 years after we met at that Bible study, we married.
Through the past 31 years, we have had great times, hard times, and super busy times. Raising 7 kids is always a little stressful and crazy. Yet through it all, SCOTT HAS NOTICED ME. He has seen me, heard me, and responded thoughtfully.
I am not saying he never gets selfish, angry, or frustrated. We’re all human, and bad days get the better of us sometimes. But Scott’s goodwill, kindness, and thoughtfulness are the attitudes that have helped sustain our relationship for the long haul. They far outweigh those irritable moments that arise from time to time.
What makes a healthy relationship?
Respect, trust, supporting each other, forgiving one another, accepting one another, and having fun together—these are just a few of the habits that make for a healthy relationship. But to me, showing goodwill to one another outweighs everything else. Sometimes goodwill is a kind gesture like those chocolate-covered berries when I was buried in law books. Sometimes it’s stopping to listen and support your partner, and sometimes it’s just a reassuring smile in the middle of a hectic day.
Whatever form it takes, we know goodwill when we see and feel it.
Even when you don’t see eye to eye and can’t even understand one another’s thought processes, bringing a hot cup of coffee to your man or lady goes a long way. Having ongoing approval of one another fosters both trust and desire.
If both people in the relationship are trying to make each other’s life better in every possible way, there’s no way romance will die. And as Scott would say, you need to have a little fun in the process! Keep laughing through it all.
If you just wait, life may bring chocolate covered blueberries!
You can read more stories about Scott’s and my relationship and our big family in my cookbook and memoir, Love Language of the South. At the same time, get some amazing recipes: peanut butter ice cream, BBQ, bananas foster, hash browns and lox. Food was such a big part of our courtship, I couldn’t tell our story without sharing some favorites for you to enjoy.
